Joe Camel Defeat Only a TKO
By Cael O’Maolain
Greensboro, NC – April 25 The tobacco industry today suffered a major setback in their ongoing struggle to avoid federal regulation by the Food and Drug Administration when US Federal Judge William Osteen, Sr. ruled that nicotine is a drug and cigarettes are a delivery system. This ruling will effectively give the FDA legal authority to control or eliminate nicotine or even ban cigarettes. However, FDA officials have expressed that they do not intend to do that.
President Bill Clinton proclaimed the ruling “a historic and landmark day for the nations health and children.” He then went on to add, “With this ruling we can regulate tobacco products and protect our children from a lifetime of addiction. . .”
One tobacco industry attorney interviewed after the ruling commented, “We, the industry attorneys, are the real winners here. With appeal after appeal slated in the federal court system and searching for new ways to circumvent private civil suits, our jobs should be secure and lucrative well into the next century.”
Although Philip Morris saw it’s stock plummet on the open market, the effects of this ruling have yet to be seen on the Rogue Market. While President Clinton’s statements might endear him to the non-smoking American public, the large populace of smokers will probably find his statement distasteful. The President’s stock has seen little trading as of late and has held steady. The Marlboro man couldn’t be lassoed for a comment.